Week 3 - Taking a Mulligan

I’m one pound up this week -261 by my scale (I was 260 on my scale the morning that I weighed in as 257 pounds at the bariatric center).  I’m not surprised.  Almost every night I find myself sitting in bed eating 15+ chocolates, feeling guilty about the fact that I’m clearly not making progress in changing my lifestyle…but not putting down that chocolate.  I don’t even really like chocolate that much, but I stuff my face with it anyways.  As for my goals for Weeks 1 and 2, I did start an exercise program, though not the 15 minutes a day every day that I committed to.  I walked for 15-30 minutes a day four days last week.  I think I can do better.  I haven’t been consistent with my water intake and I’ve been on the scale at least once a day.  The only goal I’ve done well with is eating three meals a day.  Surprise surprise.  The “eating more” goal is the one that I can keep up.

So, I’m calling a do-over.  I need to not add more challenges on my plate until I’ve met the ones that are already on it.  In the meantime, I am slowly adding more healthy foods into my meals and cutting down on sugary snacks in between meals.  I am also going to up my exercise goal to 20 minutes a day.  I think that is reasonable.

I’ve tried to take a hard look at what is going on with me.  Why am I not following through with even the little changes?  I’m not sure.  Fear maybe?  I have a lot of emotions to work through regarding this new commitment to weight loss.  I’ve come to the conclusion that food is my drug of choice and I am using it to deal with uncomfortable emotions and thoughts.  That’s hard to admit…and even harder to change.  I’ve set up my first appointment for my two-part psychological assessment which is required before weight loss surgery.  I am guessing I am going to end up seeing the therapist more than two times…not because I don’t meet the psychological criteria for weight loss surgery, but because I want to be successful in my weight loss journey, and there is something psychological in nature that is holding me back.  I need to work that issue out before I jump into surgery.  I don’t want to take any chance of not being successful after surgery.  I’m willing to put in the work to figure out how my “head” is sabotaging my waistline. 

In the meantime, at my nutritionist appointment next week, I plan to ask the nutritionist to set a more concrete weight loss goal for me, with a concrete deadline.  The “lose 13 pounds before surgery” (which I’m planning to have in December…eight months away) goal is not working for me.  I am good at meeting challenges…but I have to feel some sense of urgency and some sense of accountability.  Unfortunately, I don’t seem to feel that urgency right now.   I should.  My obesity makes me miserable.  I now know that I am in the “morbidly obese” category.  I should certainly feel the need to change my life as fast as possible…if for no other reason that because I am literally putting my life in jeopardy by staying at this weight.  I’m just not motivated.  I’m not excited about this change.  I want to change, but I don’t feel I “need” to change today.  Hopefully a little outside pressure will help me to internalize the need for immediate change and immediate progress.  If that doesn’t work, I’m really afraid of failing, yet again.