I’m one pound up this week -261 by my scale (I was 260 on my
scale the morning that I weighed in as 257 pounds at the bariatric center). I’m not surprised. Almost every night I find myself sitting in
bed eating 15+ chocolates, feeling guilty about the fact that I’m clearly not
making progress in changing my lifestyle…but not putting down that
chocolate. I don’t even really like
chocolate that much, but I stuff my face with it anyways. As for my goals for Weeks 1 and 2, I did
start an exercise program, though not the 15 minutes a day every day that I
committed to. I walked for 15-30 minutes
a day four days last week. I think I can
do better. I haven’t been consistent
with my water intake and I’ve been on the scale at least once a day. The only goal I’ve done well with is eating
three meals a day. Surprise
surprise. The “eating more” goal is the
one that I can keep up.
So, I’m calling a do-over.
I need to not add more challenges on my plate until I’ve met the ones
that are already on it. In the meantime,
I am slowly adding more healthy foods into my meals and cutting down on sugary
snacks in between meals. I am also going
to up my exercise goal to 20 minutes a day.
I think that is reasonable.
I’ve tried to take a hard look at what is going on with
me. Why am I not following through with
even the little changes? I’m not
sure. Fear maybe? I have a lot of emotions to work through
regarding this new commitment to weight loss.
I’ve come to the conclusion that food is my drug of choice and I am
using it to deal with uncomfortable emotions and thoughts. That’s hard to admit…and even harder to
change. I’ve set up my first appointment
for my two-part psychological assessment which is required before weight loss
surgery. I am guessing I am going to end
up seeing the therapist more than two times…not because I don’t meet the
psychological criteria for weight loss surgery, but because I want to be
successful in my weight loss journey, and there is something psychological in
nature that is holding me back. I need
to work that issue out before I jump into surgery. I don’t want to take any chance of not being
successful after surgery. I’m willing to
put in the work to figure out how my “head” is sabotaging my waistline.
In the meantime, at my nutritionist appointment next week, I
plan to ask the nutritionist to set a more concrete weight loss goal for me,
with a concrete deadline. The “lose 13
pounds before surgery” (which I’m planning to have in December…eight months
away) goal is not working for me. I am
good at meeting challenges…but I have to feel some sense of urgency and some
sense of accountability. Unfortunately,
I don’t seem to feel that urgency right now. I should.
My obesity makes me miserable. I
now know that I am in the “morbidly obese” category. I should certainly feel the need to change my
life as fast as possible…if for no other reason that because I am literally
putting my life in jeopardy by staying at this weight. I’m just not motivated. I’m not excited about this change. I want to change, but I don’t feel I “need” to
change today. Hopefully a little outside
pressure will help me to internalize the need for immediate change and
immediate progress. If that doesn’t
work, I’m really afraid of failing, yet again.
Just wanted to say hello and let you know I'm reading. (I'm the same "S" from Misconceptions About Conception; I just maintain two separate profiles so my real word and infertility world don't intersect.)
ReplyDeleteHaving struggled with my weight my whole life, I can relate to a lot of what you've said here. I hope you find the clarity and motivation you need to be successful.