You've Got To Start Somewhere

My official bariatric center weigh-in was held two days ago…on April 18, 2012.  I was told that I weigh 257 pounds, am 5 foot 5 inches tall, and have a BMI of 42.  I am morbidly obese and, thus, will likely qualify for bariatric surgery under my insurance company’s guidelines…regardless of any other co-morbidities.  I have a diet plan (I’ll write more another time about that) and exercise goals.  There are a million clearances to obtain, tests to take and appointments to attend before I can actually meet with the surgeon.  However, unlike many people who pursue bariatric surgery, I am not trying to get everything done as fast as possible.  I plan to have surgery right after Christmas of this year.  Thus, I have extra time to get through everything.  My weight loss goal (which I need to meet and maintain prior to surgery) is 5% of my body weight…or 13 pounds.  That would put me at 244 pre-op.  244 is certainly not an ideal goal for me…in fact…it is humiliating that 244 is so far below my weight that it counts as a goal.  When did this happen to me?  <Sigh>  Oh well.  I’m just going to have to suck it up, realize that the situation is what it is, and focus on the fact that at least I am doing something to remedy this situation.

I’m not sure why I am writing this blog.  I understand my need to think things through and get them out of me so I can read them over to better analyze my thoughts and feelings.  But why so public?  Why not journal privately?  If I’m so humiliated by who/what I have become…why am I putting all of this out there for the world to see (if they were looking)?  I think it is because I am really trying to do everything differently this time.  No more hiding my “diet” because I don’t want people to judge me if I fail.  That’s like setting myself up for failure.  No more denying to myself the seriousness of my weight problem.  If I’m admitting to the world that I have this problem…I can’t very well deny it to myself.  And…I think also am writing because of part of me feels like I need support.  I don’t know that anyone will read this blog.  I have no intention of advertising it and trying to draw attention to it.  But I believe from past blog experiences that those who care enough to read about my journey will also care enough to support and encourage me…not to kick me while I’m down.  I guess that’s why I’m putting this out there.  That’s why I’m blogging.

I can’t believe I am posting these pictures on the internet, but here they are…my “Before” photos.  I will not look this way ever again.